“… He stood in the doorway with a loaded gun and talked about killing himself and/or the children and myself. He was bringing up old verbal threats and I thought they were going to come true”
Amy Lake – July 2010 (from a filed restraining order)
Domestic violence is not a private issue—it’s a public health crisis. Every year, millions of people in the United States experience physical, emotional, or psychological abuse at the hands of someone they love or once trusted. This abuse often happens behind closed doors, making it invisible to the outside world until it escalates into something fatal. But let us go back to the beginning of when something begins to go wrong. Love bombing is a term that has gained traction in discussions about relationships and mental health. It refers to a period, often at the beginning of a romantic relationship, where one partner overwhelms the other with excessive affection, attention, and gifts. While this might initially feel exhilarating, it can serve as a red flag for potential emotional and physical abuse later on. Understanding the concept of love bombing is crucial for recognizing unhealthy relationship dynamics and the psychology behind domestic abuse.
Amy Lake and her two children were murdered by her husband in 2010. Steven Lake killed himself as well and tried to light his children on fire either before or after they were dead. Right after the killings, a district attorney in Maine stated, “There was nothing we could have done to prevent these deaths.” These words sparked a team of professionals, including myself, to investigate the sequence of events that led to this tragedy. In 2011, a formal psychological autopsy was conducted after the murders, resulting in more than 50 recommendations to the Maine Attorney General’s Domestic Violence Board (Allanach et al., 2011). Our group conducted 200 hours of meetings with family, friends, and co-workers of the victim and her husband. We were not paid for our work.
In June 2011, Steven Lake of Dexter, Maine, violated a protective order four times before killing his wife, children, and himself. He stalked her on-line and had sycophants writing and praising him. He posted his love for his children daily and his groupies decried his virtue as a father. Despite the violations, Lake remained free, retained his collection of over 20 firearms, and faced no meaningful restrictions on his movement. This case demonstrates systemic failures that leave victims unprotected. This happens everywhere all too frequently. One of the most chilling aspects of domestic violence is how predictable it can be. Research has identified common red flags: escalating control, threats of harm or suicide, isolation from friends and family, obsessive jealousy, and access to weapons. Despite this knowledge, systems often fail to respond adequately when victims reach out—or worse, they don’t reach out at all due to fear, stigma, or lack of resources.
“Despite receiving some mental health counseling, it is apparent, in retrospect that the degree of violence and anger possessed by the abuser was not realized.” Chief, Maine State Medical Examiner 2010
In many cases of domestic homicide, there were signs. Friends, family, neighbors, and even professionals sometimes miss—or are unsure how to respond to—the warning behaviors. The chief medical examiner in Maine acknowledged missing the risk Steven Lake posed to his wife and family was not identified soon enough to keep him contained. That’s why education and awareness are so critical but often falls short. And this is why behavioral scientists must look into the similarities of each case. All to often when the assailant is deceased there becomes no interest in a shakedown of the specific lead-up to the tragedy. In this case, and many others like it, taking the time to assess the facts of an assailant’s attack can lead to greater concern for people living with a protection order and the risk of allowing the recipient to remain out of jail.
A father killed his partner in front of his children, and then himself. This is called an intimate partner homicide-suicide or familicide in this case. These tragedies occur daily in the United States, and the impact is immeasurable. Surviving families mourn the loss of family members, and in some cases the mass murder of a family. Children grapple with the loss of their parents while surviving family members become their new caretakers. For those who survive, they may live with lifelong wounds and emotional trauma.
In many cases of domestic homicide, warning signs were present. Yet, friends, family, neighbors, and even professionals often miss or struggle to address these red flags. This is why education and awareness are absolutely crucial. It’s also why behavioral scientists must analyze the commonalities between cases in the form of a psychological autopsy. Too often, when the perpetrator is deceased, the investigation into the events leading up to the tragedy fades away, leaving critical opportunities for learning and prevention unexamined.
Research consistently points to key warning signs: escalating control, threats of harm or suicide, isolation from loved ones, obsessive jealousy, and access to weapons. Yet, even with this knowledge, systems too often fail to act when victims seek help—or victims remain silent out of fear, stigma, or lack of resources. That’s why, when the district attorney claimed nothing could have been done to prevent this, we found his words far too disingenuous to be the last word on domestic violence homicide.
Too many women who are abused during times of crisis have no place to run and no effective protection. Orders of protection, without GPS monitoring or strict enforcement, fail to prevent repeat violations. Domestic violence doesn’t begin with homicide—it ends there. By taking earlier signs seriously, listening without judgment, and being willing to learn from past tragedies, we can create a safer future for individuals and families. It’s not enough to mourn; we must act.
Being aware of the signs of love bombing can help individuals protect themselves from potentially dangerous relationships. Some key indicators include:
Rapid Intimacy: The relationship progresses unusually quickly, with declarations of love or commitment happening within weeks.
Excessive Attention: The partner constantly showers gifts, compliments, and affection, making it difficult to understand the true nature of their feelings.
Pressure to Commit: There may be pressure to label the relationship or to make significant life decisions early on.
Mood Swings: The partner may alternate between extreme affection and sudden withdrawal or criticism, creating emotional instability.
- Allanach, R., Gagan, B., Sefton, M., & Loughlin, J. (2011, November 28). Psychological autopsy of June 13, 2011, Dexter, Maine domestic-violence homicides and suicide: Final report (Report No. 39). Pine Tree Watchdog. Retrieved from http://pinetreewatchdog.org/files/2011/12/Dexter-DVH-Psychological-Autopsy-Final-Report-112811-111.pdf
- Campbell, J. C., Glass, N., Sharps, P. W., Laughon, K., & Bloom, T. (2007).
Intimate partner homicide: Review and implications of research and policy.
Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, 8(3), 246–269.
https://doi.org/10.1177/1524838007303505 This study outlines risk factors for intimate partner homicide and emphasizes the importance of early intervention and assessment tools like danger assessments.
- National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV).
Domestic Violence National Statistics.
https://ncadv.org/STATISTICS Provides updated statistics and information on the prevalence of domestic violence in the U.S., including its impact on survivors and communities.
- Violence Policy Center (2023).
When Men Murder Women: An Analysis of 2021 Homicide Data.
https://vpc.org/publications/when-men-murder-women/ Annual report analyzing FBI data on female homicide victims killed by male offenders, most often in the context of domestic relationships.
- Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). (2023).
Preventing Intimate Partner Violence.
https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/intimatepartnerviolence/fastfact.html Offers insight into prevention strategies, risk factors, and public health approaches to addressing intimate partner violence.
- Sefton, M. (2017, February 26). Psychological autopsy may help answer questions in domestic violence homicide. Blogspot: MSefton Blog. https://msefton.blog/2017/02/26/psychological-autopsy-may-help-answer-questions-in-domestic-violence-homicide/
- Sefton, M. (2016, December 16). Domestic violence homicide risk factors. Blogspot: MSefton Blog. https://msefton.blog/2016/12/16/domestic-violence-homicide-risk-factors/
MSefton's Human Behavior Blog 